I would like it if you would walk with me for these for moments of your time that I have, and allow me to say something that I have yet to say in fullness of that which it deserves to be said. I have spent a lot of time in these past four months in tears and brokenness, trying to pick up the pieces from decisions I have made. Grappling with my utter inability to provide for myself in any meaningful psychological and spiritual way has been incredibly humbled. What I mean is that the answers that I have been seeking, those to fill the empty spaces, have been outside of myself and my attempts at insular self-realization to bring enlightenment in my life and overcome this angst and frustration has only amplified those feelings. I think it may be that insularity reinforces, or at very least maintains, the pain we feel because there is something very real about allowing your burdens to be carried by others.
So it this, that I care to write: Thank you. To those over the past months have been, at the right time and moment, listened and pestered me when I refused, I am so grateful. My gratefulness extends as far as the support I have received; at no moment has anyone had to bear the burden of my mess, but friends and mentors have at their moment provided what was needed. To the mentor who reminded me that I wasn’t a failure, your words have not left me. To the friend who pestered me with piercing questions and unwavering conviction, you have loved me when I’ve been unable to reciprocate that outpouring of grace.
I do not wish to downplay the difficulties that this time of transition has brought in my life, but let it be known that my life is not altogether challenging. I get to show up to two wonderful jobs in which we seek to live out the biblical mandate for justice, and during the evening, my life transitions to full-time student and I have the opportunity to learn at a place that Calvin where curiosity is encouraged. It is in these places that I have not only hung on this semester, but I think that I have truly been able to thrive.
This has been a trying time in my life and have often felt lost. In being lost, I have experienced frightening vulnerability that has provided for me space to feel more alive than ever before. It has been a year of incredible moments of exhilaration and raucous laughter intertwined with thorns that cut deep and cause bleeding. Living faithfully in between the mess of exile and the jubilee of the restored city requires of me to avoid the optimism of human progress and the pessimism of human limitations, but rather work and wait in the dichotomy of hope and reality; a hope that doesn’t ignore the filth and a reality that will not remain in brokenness.