I would like it if you would walk
with me for these for moments of your time that I have, and allow me to say
something that I have yet to say in fullness of that which it deserves to be
said. I have spent a lot of time in these past four months in tears and
brokenness, trying to pick up the pieces from decisions I have made. Grappling
with my utter inability to provide for myself in any meaningful psychological
and spiritual way has been incredibly humbled. What I mean is that the answers
that I have been seeking, those to fill the empty spaces, have been outside of
myself and my attempts at insular self-realization to bring enlightenment in my
life and overcome this angst and frustration has only amplified those feelings.
I think it may be that insularity reinforces, or at very least maintains, the
pain we feel because there is something very real about allowing your burdens
to be carried by others.
So
it this, that I care to write: Thank you. To those over the past months have
been, at the right time and moment, listened and pestered me when I refused, I am
so grateful. My gratefulness extends as far as the support I have received; at
no moment has anyone had to bear the burden of my mess, but friends and mentors
have at their moment provided what
was needed. To the mentor who reminded me that I wasn’t a failure, your words
have not left me. To the friend who pestered me with piercing questions and
unwavering conviction, you have loved me when I’ve been unable to reciprocate
that outpouring of grace.
I
do not wish to downplay the difficulties that this time of transition has
brought in my life, but let it be known that my life is not altogether
challenging. I get to show up to two wonderful jobs in which we seek to live
out the biblical mandate for justice, and during the evening, my life
transitions to full-time student and I have the opportunity to learn at a place
that Calvin where curiosity is encouraged. It is in these places that I have
not only hung on this semester, but I think that I have truly been able to thrive.
This
has been a trying time in my life and have often felt lost. In being lost, I have
experienced frightening vulnerability that has provided for me space to feel
more alive than ever before. It has been a year of incredible moments of exhilaration
and raucous laughter intertwined with thorns that cut deep and cause bleeding.
Living faithfully in between the mess of exile and the jubilee of the restored
city requires of me to avoid the optimism of human progress and the pessimism
of human limitations, but rather work and wait in the dichotomy of hope and
reality; a hope that doesn’t ignore the filth and a reality that will not
remain in brokenness.
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